


Christmas Eve Eve Shopping is Really Brutal

by InsomniacCoffee



Series: Dethmas 2020 [1]
Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Christmas Shopping, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Mall Santa Claus, Minor Original Character(s), Pickles has ADHD, Tyr adopts Skwisgaar basically, the dethstaff are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28053957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniacCoffee/pseuds/InsomniacCoffee
Summary: It is Christmas Eve Eve and the boys decide to go do some last-minute Christmas shopping at a mall. The boys split and have their own little adventures such as...Skwisgaar and Toki shopping before finding a mall Santa.Murderface finds a cute cashier at a Mexican restaurant and insists he knows how to make tamales to win her over.Nathan trying to find parking.And Pickles is the only one actually doing the shopping for some reason.
Series: Dethmas 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2054985
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Christmas Eve Eve Shopping is Really Brutal

**Author's Note:**

> I combined at least two Christmas traditions; making Tamales and my own tradition; going to the mall on Christmas Eve Eve (10/10). 
> 
> Special thanks to atmilliways and wumbo for helping me figure out how I wanna do this! <3

When Nathan had decided to be the one driving them to the mall, he did not anticipate at all the traffic. They were offered to be driven to the mall or even get their presents picked for them, but Nathan had insisted on driving them. It was a tradition for the five of them to do Christmas shopping, after all. Though their busy schedules had only made it possible to shop on Christmas Eve Eve and they had insisted on carrying out the tradition.

He regretted it now as he realized what it really meant when he stood bumper to bumper with the other cars. Only Dio’s cover of _God Rest Ye Gentlemen_ could contain everyone’s sanity of being trapped in a hot minivan. Eventually, after thirty minutes, he pulled up to the front of the mall, ignoring the honks of the other cars behind him.

“Okay, uh, I’m gonna try to find parking but you guys go on ahead,” Nathan answered, “Just don’t do stupid shit. Oh and Toki?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t harass the mall Santa again. I don’t want Charles’ Christmas gift to be another lawsuit. Skwisgaar you’re in charge of him.”

Skwisgaar scoffed but nodded, “Fines. I’ll make sures he doesn’t drowns in the ball pits or somethings.”

“That was one times!” Toki shouted as he got out of the car.

Once the four members got out of the minivan, Nathan drove off to hopefully find parking soon. They watched as Nathan drove off to wherever he could find space.

The cold air was enough to wake them up and remind them of what they were supposed to do. Quickly, they went inside where warm air greeted them, and a rather overcrowded mall. People were coming in and out of stores, walking around, sitting near the walls, everywhere. It was a surprise there was even room to freely walk around with how many people were there.

Pickles looked around and immediately started feeling overwhelmed. It looked more crowded than Black Friday and it brought back painful memories. Specifically, those haunting memories of his brother throwing him against the crowd at a Walmart when they were kids. He still had the scars, “I think this is kinda overwhelming, y’know?”

“It’s only overwhelming if you make it overwhelming…or something…,” Murderface quickly backtracked his statement and shrugged instead, “You can just grab a milkshake and sit down if you want.”

Pickles shook his head, “Nah, I’ll be good. I think I’m gonna start looking around and find something. You guys gonna do the same?”

“I’m gonna eat first. I’m starving and I heard there’s a good Mexican restaurant around.”

“Please don’t orders the bean burritos.” Skwisgaar begged.

Murderface only grinned, flipping them the bird as he walked away, “Fuck you, I’ll do what I want.”

The three remaining members cried inside.

“Ams gonna go looks arounds with Toki,” Skwisgaar answered

“Okay! Can we visit the Legos stores first?” Toki pleaded.

“No, Spencer’s firsts.”

“Legos.”

“Spencer’s.”

“Legos.”

“Legos.”

“Spencer’s.”

“Well, since you said Spencer’s that where we will goes firsts,” Skwisgaar grinned and Toki punched his arm. It was worth the pain.

“Fucks you…wait, where’s Pickle?”

Pickles had already left them as he thought it would take too long. He went through his phone, looking at the list of presents and people he needed to buy for, “…Well, buying seven gifts shouldn’t be too hard…,” He muttered to himself.

He didn’t know where he was looking and somehow found himself at a Macy’s. He couldn’t remember the last time he had entered one but usually, they sold all the fancy shit, right? Abigail and Charles seemed to prefer the fancier stuff so maybe he’d find something there. Either ties or something fancy. They should be easy to find something for. He hoped.

* * *

Murderface found himself at some family-owned Mexican fast-food restaurant. It wasn’t dinner yet so there weren’t that many people, so it made it easier for the cashier to greet him with a smile. She was cute in all honesty. She was probably around his age, had dark brown hair in a ponytail, red lipstick that matched the ugly Christmas sweater that must’ve been a part of some company thing, and she had a warm, friendly smile that people would tip more for alone, “Welcome, sir! Can I help you with anything?”

He approached the cashier, giving his own smile, “Oh uh yeah, just gonna look through the menu,” He answered as pulled one of the paper menu brochures. He flipped through it quickly, catching his eye on tamales, “Oh, tamales, huh? Are they made fresh?”

“Yes, they are prepared in advance and we actually just made a fresh batch yesterday. Would you like recommendations?”

“Ah well, you see…,” He paused, hoping she’d give her name but she didn’t so he continued, “I was in Mexico a few months back myself. Visited a Mexican restaurant just like this one and had the best tamales. The restaurant owner even taught me how to make them, which is amazing. From one local business to another, I think it’s important we share what we can, you know? So I’m telling you I will make you the best tamales you can ever taste.”

“You own a Mexican restaurant, too? Aren’t you in Dethklok?” She asked.

“Well also Planet Piss but that’s not important. What’s important is that I want to share with you the best tamales you will ever taste. Out of my generosity, of course.”

“Right…so will that be a combo?”

“I-yeah…and extra sour cream too,” Murderface said defeatedly.

* * *

“Okay, _Murderous Rampage in a Mall Parking Lot on Christmas Eve Eve_ should be on next year’s Christmas album,” Nathan spoke into the recorder.

He knew he would have to go in the parking garage for parking but he didn’t anticipate how long it would take. The cars were endless and it felt like despite moving just slightly, he wasn’t making any progress.

Finally, the cars in front of him moved just enough to make a difference. Right when he was about to move, a car quickly filled in the gap.

“What the fuck! Hey, fuck you!” Nathan screamed audibly as he honked angrily. No matter how many times he honked, the car didn’t move away and other cars began honking at him to shut up.

_Red Water_ by Type O Negative played next and Nathan banged his head on the steering wheel.

* * *

Pickles, for once, found himself actually focusing on the task at hand. It felt like the chaotic energy that was last minute Christmas shopping sucked all the energy off him enough to focus easier. That and the peppermint hot chocolate milkshake he had gotten from Shake Shack was enough to keep his energy up.

Abigail and Charles were the easiest to find presents for as he had expected. They were the most expensive bracelet and watch the whole mall had but it was pretty much worth it in the end. He got Knubbler a lava lamp and some expensive bags from a designer brand he knew he liked. Now all that was left the boys themselves and they were the easiest to find.

He was making his way to the Disney Store for Toki and Nathan’s presents when he noticed the smoke shop. It was small and most likely just recently opened, barely any people there too…

“ _Not right now_ ,” He thought to himself and continued walking.

* * *

After Skwisgaar and Toki finished shopping at the stores they wanted, they decided to wander around the mall and find another store for any other inspiration.

“…So what are you getting Charles…?” Skwisgaar asked. He had bought him a dildo, everyone one as a gag gift, but wasn’t sure if Charles would like it.

“Ams bought him the Star Wars legos. He said he likes the films!” Toki answered.

“Oh. And Knubbler?”

“Legos too!”

“And Abigail?”

“Legos. They’re all gettings Legos!”

Well, he shouldn’t feel too bad about the gift he supposed. He glanced at the endless rows almost of shops ranging from clothing to electronics and everything in between.

They reached the center of the mall where there was a small area decorated in fake trees and a fake workshop for Santa’s photos.

Skwisgaar looked at Toki, “Toki don’t you fuckings-“

“Santa!” Toki yelled as he pushed past the line of children and parents and proceeded to shove the kid sitting in Santa’s lap to sit on his, “Ams have a very longs Christmas lists!”

Skwisgaar sighed, turning to the elves apologetically, “sorries, he’s just a crybabies. I’ll gets him off.”

“No, it’s okay! You guys are from Dethklok right?” One of the elves asked excitedly.

“I-yeahs…?”

They squealed and proceeded to talk almost 100 words a minute. He did his best to keep up but when they handed him a Christmas ornament and a sharpie, he was at least quick to understand what it was for. He signed the ornament, handed it back to them, and went to Toki blabbering to Santa about what he wanted, “Okay Toki, we needs to go-“

Toki whined but turned to him, “But I haven’t finished-Skwisgaar, you okay?” He noticed how he looked like he was in shock for whatever reason.

“Tyr…?” Skwisgaar mumbled quietly as he approached the two closer.

Mall Santa turned to Skwisgaar, his eyes saying everything, “Skwisgaar? Is that you?”

“What are you doings here? I thought you were off dyings when you saws my moms…”

“No, not at all. I tried to contact you but by the time I did you already left Sweden and I thought you would’ve hated me by now. I’m sorry, Skwisgaar.”

Skwisgaar began to cry, pushed Toki off Tyr, and hugged him tightly, “Papa, please don’t leave me,” He wailed.

“Uh…Santa? There are other kids who are waiting to see you,” One of the elves said nervously.

“Tell them I’m on break,” Tyr answered as he ripped off his beard and tossed it to the elves. He stood up, still holding Skwisgaar in his arms. He ignored the screams and cries of children as he walked away from the workshop, leaving only Toki behind.

He watched the confused employees and then the crying children. He knew what he had to do.

But it didn’t mean he would do it.

“Hey, uh, dad waits up for Toki!” He shouted as he scrambled to his feet and ran off to follow the two.

* * *

Murderface had to admit the tamales were pretty good. The inside of fresh chicken and garbanzo was savory and honestly made him miss the tamales he had back in Mexico. It was made of love and warmth and God; how could he compete with something so authentic?

“Yo, Casey I’m gonna take a 15-minute break.” A male voice was heard from the back.

“Alrighty,” The woman named Casey answered.

It didn’t mean Murderface wouldn’t try though.

After finishing his meal, he picked up the empty tray and threw out the garbage before setting it on top with the rest of the trays. He went back to Casey.

“Hi, was the meal to your liking?”

“Oh, it was, really was. Totally captured that authentic Mexican experience.”

“Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m guessing it’s not quite that experience you’re looking for, though?”

“Well almost. As I said, I don’t mind teaching you the method I was taught if you wanna give it a shot.”

She shrugged, “Alright, the chef’s gone for 15 minutes so go at it. I wanna see you try.”

“Wait, really? I mean-of course, watch and learn from the master!” He answered as he could enter the back of the kitchen.

* * *

“It’s my parking spot and I saw it first!” Nathan said defensively.

“No, I did! I have three kids out in the back of the car that needs a Christmas present!” The woman who looked like the most stereotypical soccer mom he had ever seen was yelling at him. She didn’t seem to care she was blocking traffic or that people were shouting profanities and honking at her to move her car.

“And I need to piss, lady. Just go away, please.”

The woman quickly blocked his way of leaving, “You better move that car!”

“No, just leave,” He saw the kids in the back of the car, and honestly, he felt sorry for them. He would’ve yelled at her no doubt but he knew that having a six-foot man yell at their mother probably would be a traumatizing experience, “I’m asking you kindly to just move on and you’ll find parking eventually.”

She didn’t budge. She began hitting him with her purse and Nathan began to cry.

_Beaten up by a Soccer Mom on a Mall Parking Lot on Christmas Eve Eve_ sounded like a much more brutal title he had to admit.

* * *

Pickles was the only one of the group that had ended up finishing his Christmas shopping. He had his bags on hand, thankfully made easier by grabbing a large tote bag one of the stores sold and he realized he had time to kill.

He was thinking about hitting up the smoke shop to see what they had when he found a Cinnabon kiosk. There seemed to be an argument there outside the kiosk and a crowd was gathering so he was curious to see what was going on.

“Hey, it was your fucking idea to open up this shitty kiosk in this shitty mall!” One of the men said.

“I didn’t even wanna do this-it’s your fault we’re in this fucking mess.”

“If you’re so up your ass about this, I’m leaving!”

“Oh yeah? Well, me too! Merry Christmas you asshole.”

The two men abruptly left and one of the employees from the kiosk quickly rushed out but stopped in her tracks. She sighed in defeat as the crowd grew bored and dispersed.

“Hey, dude, everything alright?” Pickles had to ask.

“Well, both of the owners stepped out apparently. This fucking sucks.”

“Really? Who's gonna be in charge now?”

“Me, I think. I’m the manager but I’m just a college student-I don’t wanna own this place!”

“I-it’s okay, don’t cry, please,” Pickles said quickly, “I-I guess I can buy this kiosk if you want me to.”

“Really?” She said hopefully as she stared at him.

“Yeah, why not? I like Cinnabons and I have the money.”

“Thank you, I owe you my life! You’ll need to sign the paperwork, call corporate, and all that stuff but I’ll just give you the contracts right now.”

Pickles would probably need a lawyer for this but fuck it; shelling out a couple of thousands for free cinnamon rolls would be worth it.

* * *

As it turns out, Murderface did not know how to make tamales. At all.

“Your first mistake was using cornmeal. We use that for tortillas,” Was all Casey as she stared at the atrocity that Murderface created. It was a near crime against humanity.

“Well, how was I supposed to know that?!” Murderface asked, “I really just know how to fold them…”

She shrugged, “Yeah, I figured. But you should start cleaning up though.”

Murderface sighed and threw away his creation in the trash and began cleaning up the supplies he used.

“Hey, I’m ba-“ A male voice called and paused, “Whoa, is that the bassist from Dethklok?”

“Yeah, what’s it to you...” Murderface almost snapped but he turned to look at the person.

He was honest to God the hottest chef he had ever seen in his life. The ruffled hair, the muscles that were just near clinging onto to his shirt… he damn near looked like a model from Abercrombie.

“I mean, yeah of course I am. I was just trying to make tamales is all.” He said flustered. He knew Twinkletits told him to be more accepting of his sexuality, but wow did this guy make it easy.

The man walked over to the trash can as he looked at what he had made, “Oh, well it looks like you can make a tortilla right at least. Why don’t I show you how to make real tamales next time?”

“I mean..sure, I would like that,” Murderface found himself saying.

He would walk out of that restaurant with extra tamales to take home and a phone number from the chef named Eric.

When everyone was finished with their shopping or lack thereof, they agreed to meet at Cinnabon. Apparently, Pickles said he owned it after a long story but all that mattered was the free cinnamon rolls they would get.

Toki, Skwisgaar, Tyr, and Murderface met up with Pickles who had saved them all seats and small boxes of fresh hot cinnamon rolls to their liking along with hot chocolate.

“Dad is spendings Christmas with us,” Skwisgaar stated when Murderface and Pickles questioned why he was there, and they didn’t question him.

“We can make some traditional cookies I’m sure you boys would like,” Tyr answered and nobody objected to that.

Eventually, a disheveled looking Nathan approached the group.

“Nate…have you been crying?” Pickles asked carefully.

“What? No…soccer moms…are fucking brutal…” Nathan shivered. He took a seat next to Pickles who offered him a cinnamon roll and hot chocolate.

“Anyway, we’re ready to leave when you are,” Murderface answered and Nathan only stared at him.

“We’re not getting outta here until this mall fucking closes. I’m never driving on Christmas Eve Eve again.”

“Okay, I can drive-” Pickles offered.

“No, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…it’s like…meeting the face of the Devil himself and telling you you’re too evil for hell.”

“Damn. Well, what do we do now until the mall closes in,” Murderface checked his watch, “four hours?”

Toki looked around the mall quickly and found the movie theatre, “Oh the movies are opens! Maybes we can watch a movies!”

“What kinda Christmas movie should we watch?” Nathan asked but everyone knew the answer.

“ _Nightmare before Christmas_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://insomniac-pens.tumblr.com) so I can scream more.


End file.
